the colorful life of azuwing

it's waiting!

2012-02-13T21:05:00.002+08:00

weird...

2012-02-07T05:39:00.001+08:00

salamualaykum and hello~

''because awkward moments ARE awkward''

i've been wanting to say that all of this time.
hmmmm, alhamdulillah, He gave me another chance to live on my journey for today,
but it's actually quite weird, i means it's just too weird,
i just dreamed of someone i used to be so influenced (might be a better word for it) with,
seeing that person in my dreams on occasional basis was quiet a normal thing before,
and it would always be seeing that person on that person's current condition and having a little chat with that person,
i don't remember when did i stopped dreaming of seeing that person again,
but i just noticed that it started to be like that once i decided with myself that i should move on,
no more being influenced with the shadows of that person in my mind,

alhamdulillah,
i couldn't believe of how far i have come from my old self,
but i still need more to work on,
and just by having a dream of meeting that person again after all this long time,
and the dream was like, i was updating about myself to that person *it was really weird, haha*
it kind of, gave me a feeling that that is who i used to be,
and now, i have to remember that, i am no longer like that, so don't go back of being like that,
yup, that kind of feeling.

insyaAllah,
i'll work harder on making myself better and better to meet Him,
amin.

p/s, it's been too long that i couldn't really remember when was the last time i really do dreamed of that person
p/s/s i should be reallllyyy grateful to Him, for allowing and inspiring me to change myself for the better, alhamdulillah

because today is a very nice day

2012-02-06T20:39:00.001+08:00

so i went out for a walk~!

i mean, to do something important outside

p/s: my first video with captions!
p/s/s my first video with my new camera!

every girl should have this

2012-02-04T15:11:00.000+08:00

and so,
i bought this book!

okay, to be honest,
i would like to congratulate the person who made the cover of this book,
because it was the 50-50 factor for me to buy this book: the content and the cover.
>.<

but still,
alhamdulillah, i wish i could buy this kind of book earlier,
i wish all the muslim girls in world or at least, Malaysia,
could be given this kind of book once they hit their puberty,
so that they wouldn't miss any important amal and the do's and the don'ts that they should know,
i repeat, that THEY SHOULD KNOW,

i used to see these menstruation-and-other-blood kind of book in bookstore before,
but somehow i didn't want to buy them,
assuming that i'm knowledgeable enough, but honestly, i was just being plainly ignorant,
eventhough we do learn Islamic Studies at school, but they don't really teach us about these,
so it's more like, we are the one who really care about ourselves, wanna make sure that the things we do is in accordance to His way, so we have to find it.
but again, i guess not many people are like that,
or perhaps, there are but it takes too long time for it *err..like me*

therefore, i think, it is also important to have the extra value that could attract the public to buy this kind of book, even if it's not for the content, but the cover itself somehow could spark the interest among them to buy it by having them to think ''oohh, this book is so cute! and,oh! look! it's about menstruation, so it might be related to me..so..hmmm..i wonder what it talks about me in there''.
one thing that i could notice so far is that people nowadays like to buy things that they could connect themselves into it, it's more like, ''i am what i buy''.
this kind of concept is not a new concept and is very commonly used if you could notice it in the consumerism cycle *like people buying things that they don't need but they want it just to make themselves look better*
so, if we can really grasp that idea, and use it in a way that could really helps them to get something better for them *like this menstruation book*, wouldn't that be wonderful?

and yes,
alhamdulillah, i'm happy that most of the books in bookstores have a real high quality cover designs,
thumbs up to those people behind each books,
it must have consumed a lot of effort of producing such great books.
:D

till then,
salamualaykum

p/s: i really really really like the cover of this book. it's just too beautiful! >.<

of maths

2012-01-28T16:03:00.001+08:00

these photos were taken during the pre-SACE period,
maths was my biggest priority at that time
and to think that i'm going to learn Statistic for university level starting next month
it's already enough to make me shiver

it's okay
i can do it!
YOOOSHHHH!!

p/s: gotta start making the academic strategy for success now!

dear my girls

2012-01-27T00:47:00.001+08:00

it's tiring

2012-01-20T20:18:00.000+08:00

whenever i have something that i fancy or i really want
i would make sure that it would really suits with my ideals
i would have the checklist of any criteria that i would want
and that is that
it must be strictly followed

of millions of time
i would look at each and every option
considering them whether i should give it and okay or not
and on this,
i spent too long of a time
in addition with the fact that
there are usually many options being offered

but still
in then end
i could not make any decision
because almost none could fit in with all the criteria that i wanted
and so
i ended up leaving things at it is
and be frustrated

but i keep on repeating the very same thing
whenever there are any new wants
just to really know whether i would really need them or not
and whether it would last long or not
and again
i'm left with no decision

and this is no good

p/s: just like what the counselor once said about me, ''you sticks with your ideals, it might makes you a perfectionist'' and hearing that, again, it's no good

prayer

2012-01-20T14:13:00.000+08:00

i hope that i would be a better person who is

- clear of my purpose
- prioritize those purposes
- think wisely of how to act
- not react impulsively
- and consistently putting the effort

amin.

p/s: i'm really trying hard to resist the temptation of buying new and extravagant things just for the sake of moving in to a new life. no no! awin! stick on with your minimalism vision! yooshhh!

giggles

2012-01-13T02:35:00.000+08:00

salamualaykum and hello~

okay,
at this moment,
i can officially say that i'm really really excited that i'm going to Australia next month
my reaction upon checking my results was like ''ohhh, i passed, alhamdulillah *sleepy*''
and i was excited when IDP called me during Fly High program briefing, saying that
JPA will be sending me to Tasmania and i went on like this ''aahhhhh!!! goooshhhh!!! i got it!!! alhamdulillahh!! *various weird actions*'' and yeah, you could ask my friends how excited i was.
and now, as i was quite down with my driving test and being the only one from INTEC to Tasmania,
i never thought that searching for a rental house is actually quite fun >.<
well, the fun doubles up when you compare it to different places in Oz
because it's cheaper in Tasmania with a fascinating sea view right out of your window >.<

teehee

but still,
i'm still on a mission to find housemates
gonna message one of them tomorrow
yoooshhh!!

insyaAllah
everything would go well
amin

kill it

2012-01-12T01:34:00.000+08:00

there's a part of me
that i really want to erase it, delete it, scrap it off away
and make myself brand new
but it would just stick on me
helplessly

if i really want to kill it
i would probably need to kill a half of my life as well
what a high price huh
but that's the reality
and i'm still a coward for not being able to pay it off

God,
give me the strength to make myself better
amin

...

2011-12-29T01:05:00.000+08:00

if there's something that i want to be
i have always wanted to be me,
a person who is a hundred percent different from others
TOTALLY different.

not wearing the same shoes
the same dress
the same hijab
the same bag
the same style
everything should be different

funny it is
of how i want to be different from others
but in the end
i would just fall down to any kind of category that could be stereotyped
hmmmmm

but still
not being different in that sense is still okay
why not?
maybe because it promotes togetherness?
and the fact that the total individuality that anyone could ever dreamed of is actually achieveable

yes it is achieveable
as long as we give all of ourselves on the effort
spend all the time that we have
use all the energy and money
make use of the tools around us
and even being part with the people we know
but in the end
it will come to us individually

dear You,
please help me,
i've always been in this kind of crisis,
i don't want to be caught up in this for too long,
i'm already aware of what i should release myself from
and i'm trying to pursue the kind of image and reality aheads me
i know it's real, everyone do
but i would still have the doubt whether i could really fit in or not
or that, would the people around me would really like me being that or not
i think i really really like to be that
alhamdulillah
that You've guided me till this far
but i'm still attracted to the other

please,
make me stronger to face all of this.
amin.

resistance

2011-12-25T21:51:00.000+08:00

and now,
i'm in the middle of another inner conflict.

at the end of each year,
this really sounds silly,
due to the fact that i am quite picky in finding a perfect schedule book that i could use for the whole year,
*cause i have to make sure it would be interesting for me and i wouldn't quickly get bored of it*
and the fact that, there are not much of that being offered in the shops in my area. *sigh*

but still,
there are lots of them being sold online,
but the price is quite expensive,
and i don't see why i should pay that much for just a thing to jot down my plans,
so i think of making one myself like i did last year *but it didn't last long*
hmmmmm

YOOOSHHH!
so for now i'm kind of resisting myself from attempting to buy the planners online,
i need to use my money on something more important than this.
hope that i'll be done with this quick.
insyaAllah
:D

hello, Mr. T!

2011-12-25T09:17:00.000+08:00

Salamualaykum and hello~

teeheee! >.<

alhamdulillah, all thanks to Him,
i passed the required ATAR!

and alhamdulillah again,
i've made my final decision on which university i really want to go.
previously, i've been dreaming of going to UTAS,
but suddenly, i considered of going to UQ due to the fact most of my friends are going there
but still, i would be in a different campus from all of them.
so...herrmmmm
after thinking about every aspects of how i want my uni life would be
alas! UTAS still wins!
alhamdulillah.
so, please Mr. JPA, i really want to go to UTAS.

and so!
i'm gonna renew my to-the-university list!
>.<

a self reminder

2011-12-16T19:08:00.000+08:00

alhamdulillah,
yay!
i think this is the first properly coloured artwork that i've made so far.
but i still don't know much about the shading,
watching tutorials on youtube is definitely worth it,
and also using the user-friendly PaintTool SAI.

now i feel i can do more,
there's a lot to learn though,
YOOOSHH!
>.<

Till then,
salamualaykum~

of bonding hearts

2011-12-12T18:45:00.000+08:00

i'm sorry
if i've every hurt you
or that
it seems that i'm acting cold to you

i do feel envy
of how easy others can be friendly towards each other
of how easy others can be together forever and ever
of how easy they can clique together just by starting a simple topic
and that clique would remain till a long long time

i'm sorry
i don't have that kind of social talent or skills
of easily connecting my heart with others
i do want to
but i don't know how

i've been told
that i'm too quiet
yes, i am.
it's not that i'm not interested with others
it's just that i don't know what to talk about
for i thought that what i want to talk would be of null benefit to others

it's a bit weird
of how different i were
and of how i am now

but still
i'm grateful that
the hearts that i've bonded with
we could still feel the flow between us
though we're not meeting each other again in the mean time
and i'm not so sure for the future that awaits us
but i know,
the bond is there,
and it shall never disappear
amin

of heart

2011-12-12T18:28:00.001+08:00

the heart
is the most precious prize of ones
that determines how much does a one really worth of
in the eyes of the One and only.

the heart
there's a space of hollow on it
that moves each ones to search for something that could complement the space
in order to attain the real peace
for peace may come and go
as long as there are none that could fit perfectly in the hollow
and the only one that could fit in it
is the truth

playlist

2011-12-10T14:02:00.000+08:00

salamualaykum and hello~

*breathe in*
okay,
since i'm so free right now,
i feel like sharing my goody ol' song playlist to be compared with the current one
p/s: this is the effect after reading ''Versus'' by Hlovate. haha. kind of funny that we can see
the similarity in the change of our song playlist as we change our character for the better >.<

2005:
Anime songs, Simple Plan and Linkin Park *LOL*

2006:
Anime songs,Simple Plan Linkin Park, Muse, and those charted in weekly Hitz.fm. *LOL*

2007:
*Johny's boys invasion alert!*
no more of those from previous years but Arashi, News, Hey Say 7, Tegomass,
and also Hello Project's Berryz Koubou and C-ute, Otsuka Ai and other J-Pop...
and oldies like ABBA, Stylistic, Bee Gees *thanx to my dad, haha*

2008:
addition of Tommy February6 into 2007's album

2009:
The singers are:
1. Tommy February6 *my all time fav! >.<*
2.Couer de pirate *French*
3.Stylistic *Oldies*
4.Stiff Dylan
5.Les Choristes choir group *French*
6.Outlandish
7. Bee Gees *oldies*
8. Rocky OST

those are the ones which i have almost the whole album.
but the ones below being with few singles in the playlist:

1.Yusuf Islam: I look I see, Sing Children of The World, Green Fields & Golden Sands, Bismillah
2. Neil Sedaka: Oh Carol
3. Lulu: To Sir with Love
4. Yuna: Dan Sebenarnya
5. Cheb Khalid: Aicha *French*
6. Zee Avi: Bitter Heart
7. Hello Project's Berryz Koubo and C-ute >.<
8. SCANDAL: Doll *before they went in mainstream, their musics are awesome!*
9. Tom Lehrer: The Element Song *Nerd yeah*
10. HeartY: 366 Days *cries everytime i heard it coz couldn't stop crying for the sad love story*
11. Elvis Presley: Love me tender
12. Glen Medrios: Nothing Gonna Change my love for you *to be sang together with my deskmate in class*
13. Taylor Swift: You Belong with Me
14. Wonder Girls: Nobody
15. Seiring dan sejalan *original song, haha*
16. Hanna Montana: True Friends
17. Camp Rock OST: This is Me
18. Lisa Mitchell: Coin Laundry, Neopolitan Dreams

2010:
No change of 2009's but with additional songs from
1. Maher Zain
2. Sami Yusuf
3. The Algebra Xifu
4. Zain Bikha & Dawud Wharnsby Ali

2011:
A drastic playlist evolution i would say. haha. >.<
Omitted out all of the 2009's playlist except for the ones added from 2010's.
And i bought 3 albums!

1. Yusuf Islam: An Other Cup
2. Yusuf Islam and Friends: I Look I See 1 & I Look I See 2

with few addition/re-addition of

1. Les Choristes Choir group
2. Jpop: -HeartY: 366 Days, Otsuka Ai's Amaenbo & Planetarium, Tanizawa Tomofumi's Kimi ni Todoke
3. Rizki: Man Jadda Wa Jadda
4. Rocky OST
5. Malay Nasheed: Nurone's Dengan KuasaMu, Devotees, Aidil *mostly from my friend, hehe*

and yes,
as you see it,
i would listen to the same song all year long,
but for now as i am *cough*aging*cough*
i listen less to songs,
only when i want to concentrate on doing Maths,
or while doing assignments,
teeheehee.

But still,
listening to songs is giving me less effect on my soul.
you should know why.

:D

Till then,
Salamualaykum~

p/s: and oh, i've started to buy original albums from now on, aiming for Zain Bikha and Dawud Wharnsby. YOOSHH! :D

it's a loss if you haven't even start yours

2011-12-06T12:48:00.000+08:00

because truth isn't something you grow up believing,

it's something you have to find

the alchemy of happiness

2011-12-04T22:52:00.000+08:00

the journey of Imam al-Ghazali in the search of complete nearness to Him

stuck within transition

2011-12-04T10:20:00.001+08:00

yes,
that has been the underlying reason of the internal conflict i'm having for the past few months,

yes,
having a new beginning might be exciting,
but adapting to new surroundings might not be as easy as it may seems to be,

yes,
two very different way of molding hearts and souls,
of me being too comfortable with the previous,
but still struggling with the new current,
i thought i'm already inside,
but still, surprisingly,
it's still on the surface,
i'm not really inside,
because,
i'm still stuck within the transition.

of connecting hearts and ideals,
those are what make my emotion flows,
flows too much that it has conquered the way of my own reason towards the world around me,
and as i saw it in a movie,
too much of being romantics might harm you,
and this being romantic is not being said to this certain system,
but to me who was in the system

but now,
the heart still connects,
the ideals are still there,
the only difference is the approach,
and the newly founded awareness of the harsh realities,

yes,
harsh realities,
i've been protected from those harsh realities for too long,
it's hard to accept, and even harder to be dealt,
and this makes the effort to be even more demanding,
and this is what makes me weak.

i'm stuck within my own ideals and of the demands,
heh,
demands,
i could just leave the demands but only He would know what would happen to me
if i were to ditch the demands,
i can't live without the demands,
because that's what makes me feel like i'm really in love and in need of Him,
without the demands,
God forbid, i may just be among the ordinary others, still be in amazed in wonders of this temporary moment,
and as of ideals,
it's not a big a deal actually,
it's just my own overemphasized want of enjoying the emotion,
God, i really need to make my reason to really control myself,
being too emotional would make myself worthless,
for it would make me do things that even my reason wouldn't be able to expect,
so Mr. Reason, please get back to the top ladder of me,

HAH!
and again,
all of these conflicts are interconnected with the matter of independency,
for anything that i do,
i've been clinging on to the external factors,
only now that i could define independent in my own words,
''independent is a total reliance of oneself to Him the Almighty'',
that's how it should always be for me,
it should be inside me for the whole moment i'm living,
i managed to grasp that and hold it tight to my heart,
but sadly,
those precious moments are only achieved for few times only,
how i can make them to always be forever?
again, consistent effort is the answer.

insyaAllah, insyaAllah, insyaAllah,
now that i have figured out the reason of my own conflict,
i could think of how to solve it,
insyaAllah.

dearest me,
please know that,
you may left the other and is now in the new other,
you may be irked with the realities but that's just how things are,
you're not a little child anymore, it's the real world you're living in,
and you should know that this way provides no easy comfort for you,
for the comfort is only when you're with Him,
and it will always have difficulties along with it.

dearest me,
you know that this is the problem that only you can solve it,
get over with the inferiority complex to others in the new other,
you know what you are worth for,
keep on grasping for new creativeness,
because that's how people deal with each and every problem that exist in this world,
and you know,
there are many souls out there waiting for you to aid you with this journey,
insyaAllah,
for the love of Him.

p/s: another thing that i just realized about myself. i write because i'm explaining my feelings to myself in a way that my reason could control it well. others may not grasp the real meaning of it and i have never made the intention of writing for people to understand, unless you can really read through me that well, hurmm...

being pushed

2011-12-03T22:57:00.001+08:00

the thing is,
if one really want to make oneself nearer to Him,
it's one's only choice to push oneself to make the effort,
and of the effort,
is of attaining knowledge, knowledge, knowledge and knowledge,
because only with knowledge that one would know how to really care about one's heart,
and that of knowledge,
is not to be treated as mere knowledge,
but to be practiced on and on and on,
and oh,
be creative on it.
and push, push, push,
PUSH YOURSELF!

but still,
never get yourself too far from the main reason
of why you are doing all of this.

p/s: i don't know but somehow i was totally irked of someone's opinion about pouring out feelings on blog are nothing but of superficiality. though people may write about their ideals and it seems to be too far from the original character of the writer, but still, isn't that what the writer is trying to make him/herself to be? if it's good, then encourage it, but if it's not, then help. there are many kinds of bloggers out there writing out things that they can't just simply express it to the people around them, and also a type who prefer typing over writing. hermmmm

p/s/s: it's better late than never but being the late bloomer means you would get less than others or missing out the important things and that is not good for you.

2011-12-02T18:20:00.001+08:00

it's december
and i'm nervous

Big Society

2011-12-02T09:13:00.001+08:00

Shocked much? Read this.

''The film started life as an idea for a character who rationalised the use of extreme violence for relatively minor crimes. People tend to have strong reactions to anti-social behaviour and I thought it would be interesting to challenge peoples' sympathy for a character who tried to do something about it by making his methods extreme. I'm also interested in how soldiers fit back in with life at home after serving, and how difficult it must be for them to see people abusing society's freedoms after they have risked their lives fighting for their country.''

So, we better be aware of how we act
i mean, wisely use the freedom we have
:D

of attaining self independency and dreams

2011-11-29T07:00:00.000+08:00

this morning

2011-11-28T09:56:00.000+08:00

the fight

2011-11-27T10:46:00.001+08:00

i've always love Japanese art, i mean, the filmography and photography, also it's unique culture.

i've been growing up watching Japanese shows every Sunday,

showing how healthy the people are, how merry they are with the way they live,

and not to forget, their delicacies and their sheer love of nature.

but still, there are some borderline of what's not good about them.

their sheer materialistic view and the emotional hungry young minds *this may not be correct*

the too hedonist youngsters,

the lack of real belief to God.

But as the Malay saying goes, ''buang yang keroh, ambil yang jernih''

And today,

browsing through youtube for new inspirations,

i found the above video,

showing the merriness of a teenage life.

As i think and reflecting on what i've seen today,

the joyous life of others,

and yet, the disastrous conditions of chaos happening on the other side of the globe

like the economy crisis in Greece and Italy,

and also the happenings in Egypt,

everywhere in the world,

i could see people who are fighting for something,

fighting for what they see as their right,

fighting for what they see as the truth

fighting against the ever corrupted minds controlling everything they want,

the minds that couldn't see how their minds give such comfort to themselves but only suffer to others,

the so called development and wealth,

but amidst all that,

all the people are being left preoccupied with what is superficial

instead of the emotional, spiritual and intellectual crave of calmness,

that they just couldn't find the genuine one among what is there around them.

and the worse scenario is that how they are being beaten and punished instead of those other minds.

but still,

i see something in them,

they are not just fighting for themselves,

it's not like they can't be happy if they are forever losing their rights,

because the bitterness of the fighting itself,

is what that gives the sweetness of living,

because they know,

that this fight,

as for the sake of the people they love,

they want to see their families live happily,

their neighbours, friends, and anyone else,

to be contentious in anything they do,

with the thought of genuine freedom in their minds and hearts,

that the system they are living in,

is indeed the system of God's given.

it's not illogical,

it's not utopia,

as long as it suits the people's needs,

and empower people towards the genuine calmness and content in everything they do,

doesn't matter what the name of the system is,

because the principle of it is the most important,

and the world could be at peace

how ironic it can be

because we can't just get everything we want effortlessly in this world,

but we can do so in somewhere-i-guess-you-already-know, *if not, do ask me :)*

only after we give a hundred percent effort in this world

keep on fighting for the truth,

may we all be blessed by Him,

and be allowed by Him to continuously producing such extravagant effort in reaching our goals,

and this is how we utilise the power of giving that we may never lose,

the conflicts may never meet the red light,

but it's not just about it,

it's more about how we are to it.

it was spaghetti for dinner ♥

2011-11-26T18:53:00.002+08:00

while others were putting their effort for exams,
we were having fun cooking for dinner on Monday night
and it was after tedious effort of getting into the pantry and preparing the utensils *rice cookers~!* :D

p/s: i miss my girls T____T

and so we will be

2011-11-25T22:02:00.002+08:00

''Read more, leave aside the unnecessary, focus on the principles,

gain more knowledge and intellectual maturity,

be the THINKING Leaders and the THINKING Activists''

-Ustaz Mior Isfandy-

what will i do

2011-11-25T21:59:00.000+08:00

a new kickstart

2011-11-25T21:54:00.001+08:00

alhamdulillah,
after almost 2 weeks of leaving it safely in it's box,
the time to utilize this tool has come.

insyaAllah,
would make use of it wisely and of beneficial purposes to everyone,
amin.

Wacom Bamboo Pen & Touch Graphic Tablet
:D

of uncertainty and dissatisfaction

2011-11-25T10:27:00.000+08:00

uncertain of what will happen in the nearest future
uncertain of what kind of action that could be under control
uncertain of how all of these could be handled
but the aftereffects are however, certain.

not being satisfied of what is being played in this mind
of how low it is
and of poor it is
of wanting to play the blame game towards a certain system
but in the end,
it went back to the original self

Man Jadda Wa Jadda

2011-11-21T11:21:00.000+08:00

the sketchbook

the initial storyboard

the second part of it

the first few sketches done on SACE 2008 Maths answer scheme >.<

yup, these are the first sketches done *didn't take the picture before colouring them =.=*

*the back of Maths 2008 answer scheme*

p/s: Mdm, Haliza, please don't be mad at me for doing these >.<

while the rest were done in the sketchbook

the missing piece

*totally forgot to insert this in the video T__T*

the incorrect placement of Tasmania

*supposed to be the view from Malaysia*

why did i make this video?
it's because, i was totally inspired by the song, Man Jadda Wa Jadda.
i've been listening to it and i knew that i have to do something for it, a video!
it's also because i want to share the inspiration and motivation that i get from reading the novel,
Negeri 5 Menara *the song is the OST for it's upcoming movie*

tehehehe.

well i guess that's all.

till then,
salamualaykum~

of farewell

2011-11-19T00:10:00.002+08:00

dear friends,

i never knew that saying goodbye would be this hard,

for such experience would never be possible if it's not for the strong bond linked between us,

and that is what i never had before.

dear friends,

of all the moment we had spent together,

i would never expect that everything would come to an end,

and that with this two limbs of mine,

i would walk alone without any of you to walk side by side with me,

dear friends,
things may seem to be too far for us to reach,

and having to see myself here in this place,

is what i never dared to imagine before

but somehow,

being with all of you,

actually made me think of something bigger than that,

and that means,

i believe that i could shape myself to be someone i want to be

and that's because of all you,

who gave me the confidence for it,
that made all the insecurities fade away

dear friends,

thank you, thank you for everything,

and i promise that,

all the tears that kept on rolling down on my face,

they may be the tears of sadness,

for how i wish we would never leave each other,

but i think,

these tears shall be the tears of love,

for it will always be freed whenever i'm moved with

either your smiles, your hugs, you words

or your presence in my mind.

and i shall be strong

for i know that

this road would never end

new meetings and farewells

would be a never ending process

but surely

the one with all of you

would be the most important

because again,

it's my first experience of it,

and i enjoy it.

i apologize for my wrongdoings, harsh words and silent coldness that i may had done to any of you

and

i pray that

He will give the best for each of us,

the best that makes us better to reach for the best reward

of Jannah.

amin.

till then,

salamualaykum.

Ausmat 22 & 23 Grand Dinner

2011-11-17T16:10:00.000+08:00

it was a blast!
alhamdulillah.

great performance,
hearty appreciation,
and great servings of dinner

and most importantly,
alhamdulillah,
sharing my feelings of being an Ausmatian with my fellows
through this video.
alhamdulillah,
so glad that they all like it >.<

that's all for now,

will update on the video-in-the-making post and the successful post-SACE projects,

insyaAllah

till then,

salamualaykum~

of being independent

2011-11-12T21:27:00.000+08:00

being independent
it simply means
a total of null dependence on other people
therefore a 100% of your own responsibility
towards your own action

however,
i'm not really sure if being independent means
not being a hassle to anybody
and for that
i think that i've been such a hassle to people around me
for my silly careless mistakes that keep on affecting them to help me
and my random actions that keep on making them to never leave their guard down on me
and also
being treated like a spoiled child
because indeed, parts of myself are of that kind

but still,
i did try my best to be independent
and i could handle myself really well when i'm alone
or in other words, i could be someone they wouldn't know if they are not around
someone who is independent
because
i guess
i got used to this habit
the habit of depending on others whenever there is a chance to do so
and that's bad

aaaahhhhhh,
i feel like crying
and please know that
this is just part of a contemplation.
hermmmmm

it's alive!

2011-11-09T21:25:00.001+08:00

*behind the scenes of the above picture*

20 october 2011
i thought it had a shutter stuck aka RIP time for SLR.
wanted to cry but i don't think it would help.

9 november 2011
while waiting for adhan,
missed my camera for too much,
try to click the shutter - still stuck
look carefully at the shutter button,
try to move it a a bit,
it moved,
pressed the shutter....*KACHINK!*
*screams*
it has never been dead, it's just locked!
and now i know that i can actually lock the shutter.
yay!
alhamdulillah.

the best post-SACE present ever.
>.<

selfishness

2011-10-25T09:49:00.002+08:00

if you have ever felt
this feeling

when all of your friends
having fun in somewhere only you who don't know about it

and eventually,
you came to know about the whole thing,
''BAMM!!''
that's the feeling,
the feeling of being left out.

and you know,
this feeling filled with additional disappointment and anger,
you blame them, question them,
''Why you guys never ask me too?''

this kind of feeling,
we will feel it again,
but at the same time,
we will be on the side of the one being blamed and questioned by the others.

why?
because we own and enjoy something that only us could have,
but we didn't share it with the others
something that entice the serenity and calmness in our heart,
but that we never even bother to spread the words to others,
thinking that it's not the right time for them yet,
or that,
they should find it by themselves,

if we still act like that,
that kind of feeling,
we would definitely feel it again.

p/s: being patient and having good assumption to others is important. molding your anger into something that can be positively perceived as a share of knowledge is how you could handle your anger. insyaAllah. YOOSHHH!!

Final Preparation!

2011-10-25T09:02:00.000+08:00

Dear You

2011-10-23T11:25:00.001+08:00

Thank you so much for everything,
for every moment that i am living,

for the days when i wake up,
it wasn't to see You,
also for the days when i wake up,
and it was to see You,
but it seemed that You didn't want me to see You,
and for the days that when i wake up,
i can actually cry to You

Thank you, my dear You,
though some times i keep on forgetting,
and the whole time i keep on studying,
''well, it's our main priority currently'' as what i've been saying,
but You do know,
that the whole moment during that time i was suffering.

Forgetting You,
is what You hate,
Remembering You,
is what You love the most,
and this has never been an easy thing for me to do.

Dear You,
i keep on saying to myself,
You are my One and Only,
and there shall be no other,
but sometimes,
i do think of the others
though they are never of the same level with You,
but occupying my mind, my heart and my time with them for too much,
exceeding Your share of me,
i do notice it every time,
that this is why i should always cling to You,
always cry to You,
always seek the help from You,
that in a way or another,
i, by no means of my own energy,
is indeed the most helpless being,
in everything i do,
the energy is from You,
so i better choose the right thing to do,
as not to misuse Your energy,
and i know that in whatever i do,
it would never affect You,
not in a single particle, ever.

Dear You, my lovely You,
I love You,
Your mighty love would never stop flowing through the air,
running through my veins,
and shine through the sun rays.
Thank you so much for everything,

Please,
never ever leave me,
never leave me to do things by my own,
help me to always remember You as much as how You remember me,
i can't live without You.

Dear You,
in everything i do,
they shall always be for You,
if and only You allow me to do so.
so please, never stop leaving behind the hint and clues that lead me to You,
Amin.

of dreams

2011-10-13T21:23:00.001+08:00

we have the same dream,

that in the near future,

we're gonna leave to see

how the other side of the world could be

i want to go here!

but she want to go here!

relax~

insyaAllah,

no matter how far we may be in the near future

ukhuwah fillah,

we will always be connected

like, how we can enjoy the same view

of tonight's full moon

though we are of different rooms

*duuhh, you're just below my room*

but still,

no matter how far we may be

it will always be the same moon, the same sun and the same sky

and ultimately the same love that we are chasing for

insyaAllah

to the cutest bunny in my world

2011-10-12T13:18:00.001+08:00

happy 19th birthday~!

alhamdulillah

your existence in my life

means more than just mere inspiration

i love you

smile!

2011-10-12T13:11:00.000+08:00

as much as how disappointed i am with myself
let's just move on
for that's the best thing i can only do
right?

hermm

2011-10-12T02:26:00.000+08:00

as much as others want it
i don't feel like having it

as much as others enjoying it
i'm deeply grossed with it

as much as others are happy with it
i can't stop myself crying seeing this happening

from the above statements,
seems like too much like hyperbolas

it is.

because in reality
i'm still among the others
heerrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

of love

2011-10-12T00:52:00.001+08:00

i'm not sure
whether it should be considered as a very important matter or not
but still, it keeps on haunting me

call it affection
or love

but now is not the right time for it

call it admiring
or simply, just looking

that would be unnecessary
and is just a waste of time

no matter how much you think of it by yourself
you couldn't find an answer

and no matter how you wouldn't want to think about it
the thought kept on pestering you

and that, distracts you from remembering Him

it's not really a big deal
if we don't think too much about it,

because, you know,
humans, we like to find conflicts

so prevent yourself from conflicts
but how?

making sure you're on the line
and have a tight self control
and surely, pray to Him

ironically,
these are just words that are easy to be said than done

then what do we do?
herrmmmmmmmmmmm

mujahadah nafs
that's the only option that we have for now

and it's all depends on your priority and plans
and also His plans

so constantly, always and forever always,
make ourselves long for His helps.

insyaAllah.

Amin.

p/s: we are okay if we don't talk about it and keep ourselves busy with important task. it's only that we get distracted especially when we have some free time to do any random things leads us to think and talk about this matter. herrmmmm
it's significance? definitely, it depends on each individuals' views.

improving skills

2011-10-01T14:57:00.000+08:00

salamualaykum and hello~

alhamdulillah,
i'm currently making myself learning the basics of drawing cartoons,
and alhamdulillah,
it really helps!

now i know how to draw cartoons with different poses and from different perspectives
with the right balancing.
and now i can draw two characters with the same proportion of balance.
yay!

though i tried my best to copy the real thing from the illustration books,
i still couldn't leave my old style of drawing
so i ended applying every tips i learned together with my style
and voila~!
my very same cartoons but improved postures.

these are some of the sketches of cartoons so far :D

alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah!
i'm so happy.

now i can't wait to learn more and draw more,
and one thing that is important,
i'm not doing this solely for fun,
but for a cause that only few people around me would know of it
insyaAllah

till then,
salamualaykum~

others

2011-10-01T13:51:00.000+08:00

sacrifice the others so that you could get the other others
leave them, kill them, delete them from your life.

and when you do that,
they would stop you no more.

and you shall never ever try to get back to them
NEVER

full stop.

negeri 5 menara

2011-09-29T18:53:00.000+08:00

current readings:
1. negeri 5 menara : 50%
2. Petunjuk Sepanjang Jalan: 20%

alhamdulillah, filling my post-trial 'holiday' with these amazing books.
:D

time

2011-09-29T18:42:00.000+08:00

trials

2011-09-12T07:26:00.000+08:00

i've already got 1 A,
and another 4 to go.

making myself more than ready for trials next week
yooosshhh!

may i can fully concentrate for the final revision,
may i could answer all the papers well,
insyaAllah.

amin.

Culpeper's Book of Birth

2011-09-06T01:11:00.000+08:00

Salamualaykum and hello~

it has been awhile since the last book review,
the last one was last year, i guess.

but still, this book that i just found is so lovely!
Do enjoy the illustration by Sue Warne

2011-09-03T01:27:00.000+08:00

i wonder

what kind of Islamic practicality do we possess
despite of the wired ideals that we currently have

hmmmm

motivation injection

2011-08-30T22:08:00.001+08:00

ominous clouds, go away~
*FUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH~*

YOOOSHHH!!

p/s: why do we have assignments during holiday? gaahh, it's about to finish, so it's okay. yooshh!

2011-08-30T21:50:00.000+08:00

there is something wrong with me

1. i'm feeling dejected
2. i wished people for Eid Mubarak, but i did it half-heartedly.
i don't think just wishing them through Facebook or SMS would be worthy enough.
3. i'm not being hardworking enough for my current target

hmmm,
please, i really need to do something.
YOOOOSHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

*pats herself*

Eid Mubarak greetings

2011-08-28T23:36:00.001+08:00

Eid Mubarak~!

p/s: I don't think i would be enjoying this festive season for too much,

let's just focus on the family bonding moment, and keep a healthy diet!

motivation injection

2011-08-28T09:20:00.002+08:00

of limitation

2011-08-27T00:35:00.005+08:00

i'm scared
of how i came to know someone's real mind
which is actually did not meet my expectation

oh well,
there's nothing i can do about it
different people have different thoughts
and only mine that i could be in authority of

but sadly,
*here comes the main topic*
as what i have experienced before
wanting to be better just so that i could have my future spouse to be a better person than me
i'm sad to know
that there are lots of my peers out there
who have this kind of mind set
i know how it felt
and i know that we are in that kind of stage
like Mr. John Keating from Dead Poets Society said, ''you're full of hormones''
and we as muslims trying to restrain ourselves from any wrongdoings that could lead to zina
thus we have our dream spouse

gah!
this is just a cry
of how foolish i were
seriously, seriously foolish

why?
because when we put a target of whom we want to be with in the future
we are actually making a list of our future selves
and when we make human as our main target
human are full with limitations
and because of that
we are being limited with infinite limitation,
objectively infinite limitation, as i would say
human minds are objectively different
therefore perhaps
having us to be held with countless limitations
from being the GREATEST FUNCTIONAL BEING that we could actually be
if only we are not being restricted from such limitations

but hey,
lets correct our main target.
you see,
why do we actually want to have a soleh/solehah spouse
TO ATTAIN JANNAH
okay, one question,
why do we want to attain Jannah?
*answer it to yourselves, there's no need to mention it to public*

but still,
everything that we do is for Him right?
every single action on each and every seconds of our life,
it should be for Him.
it's all about us alone, and Him
me and Him
me and Him
me and Him

our greatest lover is Him,
the One and Only
so put the target of being with Him
and as we do so,
anything that we do would be centralized only to Him
and our limits would be of our own control with His permission,
not to be majorly affected by other human beings
insyaAllah.

simply put,
i'm just a bit flustered
of seeing how my peers and my previous self are too focused
on wanting the perfect soul mate
somehow this clouds of thought overshadowed our path to Him
talking about path, i mean our niat
when it's about niat, it's about Ikhlas

i know it's hard to control ourselves
but if we put the effort consistently with constant prayer for His help,
insyaAllah, we can do it.

though i know that this post does sounds a bit dogmatic,
but i do this because i don't want you, my friends to ever be caught up in such blurred feelings,
attaining Jannah is no easy task, and even more only the selected ones could enter it.
so let's pray that we are among the selected ones
and most importantly
quoted from Imam Ghazali in his book, The Alchemy of Happiness,
GO AGAINST NATURAL DESIRES!

summary: don't limit yourselves with the specific character of person whom you want to be with in the future.
just be yourself,
centralized yourself, your life to Him, be fully functional,
do great things, do great contribution to the people around you, to your community,
just realize all your great dreams,
as for your spouse? He will surely send to you the one that truly matches your self, insyaAllah

till then,
salamualaykum

p/s : i wonder why, this post makes me feel guilty T___T

update 30/8/2011 : after constant reflection of this post *it kept haunting me somehow*, i think what i wrote here is so unfair because i generalized ''my peers'' with ''my previous self'''. i think i was actually frustrated with my previous self and assuming few people would have the same problem, but still, i think it's unfair to generalize other people to my own problems, i don't even know about others' true condition yet i channeled my frustration to them as well, so i'm sorry.

please, reread this post on the view of me scolding myself, not the other people.
thank you :D

pre-Eid

2011-08-25T22:01:00.000+08:00

at home

2011-08-25T20:47:00.000+08:00

being at home,
i would start to have the feeling
of wanting to buy new cameras and other stuff
that are actually not important at all

phew~ end of dilemma

when i get bored, i would start doodling random characters

and making great plans for this break,
which in the end, i could only fulfill 70% of it,
okay, i'm making it 100% accomplished this time,
yooshh!

but the real thing is,
being at home is the toughest challenge i'm having so far,
there are so many things that i could do but i don't need to do at home (haha)
that it made me lazy. gaahh!

contemplating much?

as a conclusion,

this is just a random contemplation

that surely is an evident of how i miss my hostel

till then,

salam~

p/s: i just miss doing things by myself, in other words, being truly productive and independent. i'm such a spoiled brat when i'm at home, gahh!

of notebooks

2011-08-23T21:33:00.000+08:00

alhamdulillah

now i know that there are people like me
somewhere else around the globe
who loves planners, schedule books, notebooks
who buy them for no reason

http://www.notebookstories.com/

i feel like being in heaven~

but still,
i'm taking up the pledge to be a minimalist,
insyaAllah,
slowly i'll be
YOOSHH!

the challenge

2011-08-22T11:35:00.000+08:00

of Ramadan
for the past few days
we have been training our nafs
of not to eat too much
of not to talk too much
of not to buy too much

now,
coming back to the Malaysian common scene
i mean, our current pre-Syawal scene in Malaysia
this week would be the toughest week for us to handle our nafs

insyaAllah
may He help me in putting down my nafs
not only during this month
but until the next Ramadan

amin.

heart reservation

2011-08-05T12:23:00.003+08:00

the thing is
reserving oneself for someone one currently knows may not be good
though it is not in a bad way
it's just that, it may not be contentious nor satisfying in the end

perhaps
reserving oneself for someone one never knows would be much better
for one knows that one deserves the best
as long as one is improving oneself to be among the best to the eyes of Him

but in reality
the struggling to bear with the pain that one always feels whenever there is a sight of a person
and the fact that the mind of one kept one being penetrated with thoughts of being with that person
it's hard
it's very hard
it's so hard for one to focus on thinking of Him and Him only
and that's the sole reason of such pain to grow and empowers one's heart

but still
one do has a guide
it won't be unveiled now, not until few years in the future
but if this is the best for one,
then with His permission, it shall be.
Amin

and indeed, the heart is the King of a soul.

of random heartbreak

2011-07-29T01:31:00.000+08:00

and so
who knows that one's heart would be so random
till the level of a sudden shed of tears out of nowhere and out of time

one felt neglected
somehow
and initially
one felt disappointed
for one oneself had been neglecting what one shall not neglect
which is
to always be in remembrance of Him
to always long for His attention
and not the attention of the other beings
one has been swayed with such feelings
that perhaps, just by that one would be happy
but as it went on, disappointment just kept on creeping
for one has forgotten of the importance of having sincerity

one cried
and cried and cried
one kept on arguing with one's inner self
of how far away that one had strayed
one is scared
of what would He think of one
for one knows, to be exclusively in the eye of the One and Only
would be like a one in a million chance
and the fact that
there are still so many who are loving Him more than one
and that one had actually dared to focus on the beings instead of Him
is such a tragedy

again
one made too various mistakes in a single day
one just couldn't stop feeling disappointed
feeling neglected
and lonely

and these are what one would get
when one started to forget Him
Astaghfirullah

the gardener

2011-07-25T12:43:00.001+08:00

a gardener
the raiser of all the plants that he planted

no more that he wants
other than the plants to grow strongly
for the roots to absorb as much as it can
and to support the whole of it's being
for the leaves to shade the creatures below it
for the flowers to bloom and spread the wonders that it possess
for the stem to stand still unshaken by the strong wind
for all of this to keep on living and be the best among all the others

constant propagation of water and fertilizers by the gardener would make it better
but what would happen if the gardener had to say goodbye
to all of his beloved wonders

would the flowers wither with it's faded beauty?
would the leaves fall as the wind passes by?
would the stem lie down, defenseless with no support?
or would the roots stop growing for it couldn't find anymore sources of living?

but surely
the gardener had made a plan
in avoidance of such events to occur
from the first day of planting,
everything had been accordingly done
so that the plants won't be left to die from the moment he would leave them

another important thing not to be missed
that all the plants too, realized and always remember that
their lives are not to be totally dependent on their gardener
as the one that gives them life is the light of sun
that is even more powerful
as long as the sun shine upon them
they could keep on living
and fighting for the promised rewards
instead of just enjoying the temporary time of being wonderful
they know that they have been created for a reason
and that they all would always look up to the sun
crawl in any way they could
grow as tall as they could
just to obtain the light of living

and surely
this journey of living would not be easy
for the constant presence of pest and strong winds
the plants know that they are being protected
by the One who gives them everything

as long as the plants keep on living with the mission to be with the One
of spreading the wonders that they have been receiving
to the others that have yet to receive
the gardener need not to worry
for he would see them again
if it's not today nor tomorrow
it will be on the day of reuniting with the One
Amin.

dedicated to our Murabbi

beware of what you wish

2011-07-10T21:14:00.000+08:00

and so one day
one had a greatest shock
the shock that is one of a kind
it was sweet
but indeed
though as sweet as honey it may seem
it is actually like a storm unleashing the darkness that it brings

it made one think
of what one have been doing
that could have led to to this
until one just realized
that one did make a wish

one thought that it's just a foolish wish
not to be taken seriously
but somehow
that is what one has been thinking frequently
and of how impossible it would be

but still,
one never thought the wish could be fulfilled
and one could see how worthless one had been
one became confused
of the reason why one is here
of why one had been struggling
of why one had been wishing for such a wish
and most importantly
of how ignorant one had been

for now
one has learned a lesson
a lesson that no matter what
one should always be careful of what one would wish

one just want to be near to Him
one just want to be faithful to Him
one just want to be empowered by Him
one want to meet Him
for all this while, one is trying to be what is wanted by Him

insyaAllah,
one would be stronger
one shall not melt
one shall not fall
one shall not fade
for one would keep on moving forward
with the strength within.

Amin.

as the change leads the road

2011-07-03T21:36:00.001+08:00

people change
one never thought that
just by making a change in determining the decision
could have such a big impact on person oneself

one never thought that
by that decision to change
one's point of view of the world could change so much
that view that one's used to share with the people one's used to be with
is now had taken hundred and eighty degree turn,
it's completely the opposite from the previous view
and that
one is now different from the people one's used to be with

one never thought that
such change could change the way one's act
one's now more aggressive as one had always wanted
but at the same time
one knows that one should not do so
because now one knows the real limit of what to do

one is still learning
one is still embarking the journey
one is still on the stage where the change is yet the be incorporated within one

but still
even if one did give a glance of the previous one's self
one just found oneself could not fit in that self anymore
one is completely new but not entirely new
because one is one
one is changing
but it's happening gradually

one is confused
of what one wants
of how one should act
of what is the real reason of changing to the new one

but one knows that one is on the right track
one wants to be better
one wants to be more functional
one wants to reach the utmost level of how one knows one could achieve
because one is aware that one is made not just for fun or out of sheer randomness of creation

one knows how one should act
but one not know yet of how to act the act
the act is not that simple
the act is complex
the act is beautiful
and the act need to be searched, to be learned, to be polished, to be protected
and to be guided
so one knows that what one really need is the guide
in shaping one to be what one should be

one knows the reason of change
it's because one wants it so much
that the way of obtaining it needs to be changed
so one changed

in the process of changing
sharing happens
but today one just learned a lesson
that such sharing is not meant for the sake of sharing
the sharing is to be done accordingly
with the right people
at the right time
and the right place
but today one did the mistake
of not sharing accordingly
though one was corrected
the mistake just keeps on haunting one
that one need to reflect back everything that has been happening to one
one by one, each of everything
find the reason
and now one knows the lesson
one would keep it as one's personal guidance

one is still learning
one is still moving slowly
one is still developing
and one is still living

but surely
one is fighting with the one within.

From 'I' to 'we'

2011-07-01T04:28:00.001+08:00

you see
everytime we talk
it's between you and me
and in between the talk
it's about you and me
but the conversation would be
''you know, for me...about me...''

think
we want attention
that's what we do all the time
it's natural
so there's nothing wrong with that

but still
there would be something missing because of it

you see
we want attention
''so please hear me''
that's what we say
to those you want to be heard

somehow
we let yourself go all the way
that you have nothing more to say
we feel better that way

but still
there's another person
that has always ready to hear from us
whatever things we want to say
in whatever point of view that we may have
especially of that in our heart that we just don't know to whom we want to say

have you get the point?
it's like pouring the whole cup of water on the ground
till there's nothing more, not even a drop is left
and we, ourselves know that fact very well
that the one we should pour it on to,
would not get the one's portion of the water anymore

there's nothing left to be given
there's no more importance
the less our heart would feel attached to the one that has not been given anything

well,
relationships are actually a give-and-take process
if the process cannot be carried out
how can the relationship be mutual?
and consequently
how can a non-mutual relationship would actually help us in whatever things we really need
doesn't matter whether for past, present or future,
though we know that we are in dire need of the relationship in every seconds of our life

so,
let's change,
from 'I' to 'we'

so that
we could focus on 'I' to the One who knows us the way that no one ever would
and we say 'we' among each other
so that we are being mindful, considerate and not focusing too much on self-importance, self-indulgence

from 'I' to 'we'
there's nothing more that I would really want
other than having the sole attention to me
from the One and Only

InsyaAllah
it will be either 'we' or silence
when we see each other next time.

First week

2011-06-26T08:48:00.001+08:00

Salamualaykum and hello~

Alhamdulillah, Semester 3 has already begun starting from this week.
So, let's do a lil bit of reflection.

1. Assignments - yes, my bad. I've been procrastinating during the holiday and in the end, i could not finish them
before the holiday ends. But Alhamdulillah, i managed to complete the ones that i haven't finish before the deadlines. Though i felt quite satisfied, it's only the satisfaction of having something being done but not the satisfaction of giving all of our best to produce some thing of good quality.

2. Time management - i found out that the more things that i have to do, the more time i actually have. this means, i didn't just let the time pass by freely by doing nothing. Astaghfirullah. i think it's because of the distractions that i could not handle that leads me to poor time management. not to forget, low self-discipline.

3. Composure - this was the greatest thing i had experienced this week. Alhamdulillah, despite of the pressure that i had with different problems, and the panic because of the deadlines, i calmed myself down as not to cause any unnecessary mistakes. It seems that everything just ran smoothly and i just can't stop thanking Him right after each problems is solved. it was like, you keep on making problems, you tried your best to make amends for them, and everything went okay. it seems quite impossible that we could do this by ourselves but things just happened that way because of His help. :)

4. Manners - i didn't do anything that is obviously wrong and from my observation, none of the people around me did not look offended with anything that i said. But i spontaneously did something really wrong though i do not know whether it's really wrong or not but I couldn't stop feeling guilty. Alhamdulillah, this problem didn't involve anyone, but just to myself. Involuntary action? Haha

Lastly, i had a very great day yesterday. Alhamdulillah, my day was filled with new knowledge, harsh reminders on our current situations, level of knowledge and attitude. I had fun spending the time travelling by commuter with a friend of mine whom i had not seen her for more than a year. We kept on holding hands most of the time we were together in the journey to seek new knowledge, ukhuwah-fillah ♥.

And in the evening, I shared ABC and cakes with my friends! Seriously, it was really fun and exciting for us to share our food together like we just couldn't wait for our turn to take the bite. >.<
Finally, for the night, we went to a wrong Masjid for an Isra' Mikraj forum and managed to get a cab to go to Masjid Negeri in Shah Alam. Having to walk from one place to another and the search and long wait for the cab did made us feel tired but just enjoyed laughing at our silly mistake of the week. Haha
And for this, i am really grateful that i have wonderful people to be my friends who keep on motivating, correcting and reminding each other for the sake of Him.

As the final conclusion of such a literally fantastic first week of this semester,
i realized that at anytime especially the times when we successfully solved a big challenge or problem, we would feel really thankful to Him for helping us to go through everything. It's more like, we feel indebted to him that we want to do more good things to thank Him.
However, on the other side of it, i do not think that i could really pay back all the help and the basic things that He had already given to me, especially the fact that we are still allowed to breathe the air without paying any money for it. This is where i felt and feel that there's no way i can free myself from Him when i am the one who need Him the most. I hope everyone would feel the same way as i do, insyaAllah.

Okay,
i think i wrote too much this time.

Till then,
Salamualaykum~

legal selfishness

2011-06-13T13:49:00.003+08:00

yes,
we are taught to be selfish
we have to be selfish
and we are indeed the selfish being

it isn't about the matter of survival
nor being successful
it's to be safe
just to be safe

in our own action
we are selfish
it all comes back to ourselves

even if we say we are doing this for others
in the end it's just that we don't want the lingering guilt to come to us
even if we say we need to safe the others
in the end it's just to safe ourselves
even if we say it's because they are our family and parents
in the end it's so because we don't want to be held back by others
even if we say it's solely for Him
in the end it's just to get His affection and attention
even if we say it's not like that
than keep on with it, just do whatever things you want,
because again, even everyone is going against you
in the end, it's up to you to decide

because in this world
it doesn't matter if it's the real world or the mystical part of it
they are just the same
and we, being in them
are living with ourselves as the central of human being
within our own mind
everything revolves around us
and not us revolve around everything
we can control ourselves
but we cannot control everything

another thing is
we are immortal
yes we do
we are soul
we are not merely human
we are mystical
we say it's natural
all these emotions exist though we can't see them anywhere by using any means that we could
it's not there for us to see
it's there for us to feel
and only souls have the ability to be so

we are immortal
we are the immortal travelers
we come by few destinations
we sit, we live, we talk, we work, we laugh, we cry
and we leave
so that we could proceed to the next destination

isn't that the dream of many people that they want to live forever and ever
we do not need to dream of that
because we are already living in it
it's just whether we are being aware of it or not.

and again
in the destination
it's the destination of us alone
though we have companion
we are just different
and being with the companion and be the companion is the same
except that
we keep things to ourselves
and selfishly act for our selfish intention
of saving ourselves
from the thing that we scared the most
and so that to fulfill our another selfish intention
of meeting Him

we are just being too concerned of ourselves
in the way that we do things accordingly to what He wants
so that we could satisfy ourselves
with the accomplishment of each of our selfish intentions
in the end.

the revenue-collector

2011-06-11T13:22:00.001+08:00

the revenue-collector,
he has been reigning the country,
for the prime minister could no longer holds his post,
and even the police-officer kept on with his silence,
thus wounding the king more and more

the revenue-collector,
with his highly ambitious plan,
and the power within himself that would pursue him to achieve anything that he wants without any hesitation
however,
though it may sounds beneficial, it would be ridiculously disastrous
when all those are not being parallel with the two latters besides him
when he had gone completely on the other way
that no one can control him
except for himself

as for the king
day by day he's getting worse
he becomes lonely
and utterly confused.
he knew that each of his people are dying and screaming for his help
but how could he reach them when he is being held captive
the mortal captive that is so easy to be broken.
yet, due to his current condition,
just what could he do.

give it back its rights,
come back to us,
we would never destroy you
the revenue-collector,
just what should we do to get a hold of you
and stop empowering yourself upon others
you are destroying them
and yourself as well.

Taman Kelahiran Shah Alam

2011-06-08T12:08:00.000+08:00

water-color paintings

2011-06-07T19:25:00.002+08:00

salamualaykum and hello~
so today, i had my hands on water-color paintings.
I just couldn't resist from watching the others' paintings
that made me want to try making one too.

for this one, i did really bad. Not only that the tone is not right, i just could not do it neatly.

though this is the simplest, i like it the best.

this is just for fun, i paired it with a photo of my feet :)

overall~

the sheet that use to get the colors right.

i think i love this the most XP

a bit of photo shoot earlier before the painting was done.

i was in a very good mood this morning,

so i thought of taking pictures of my favourite photos and my camera :D

and i was listening to Dawud Wharnsby ''Allah Knows'' the whole morning.

All and all,

i think what i did was fun,

and tested a bit of my patience, haha.

I feel relaxed, Alhamdulillah, for i'm a bit stressed with my assignments that i need to finish before holiday ends

But still, in other way around, i prefer sewing than paintings. :D

Till then,

Salamualaykum.

it's good to be home :)

2011-06-07T06:03:00.000+08:00

Inspiration: Dawn Tan

2011-06-06T11:39:00.004+08:00

Dawn Tan is an artist, crafter, art teacher, knitter, food lover, quiet observer, day dreamer and adventurer.
Well, that's what she describes herself as.

I love her sketches and paintings of every little things that we use in our daily life,
and how she beautifies them into something lovely, thus making her inspirational.

This is her paintings that caught my eyes for her :)

From that, she inspired me to produce this

Okay, back to the topic, these are some photos of her and her artworks :D

These are some of her earlier works

As a bonus, this is her blog: handmade love

till then,
salamualaykum
:D

ice-skating ♥

2011-06-06T06:00:00.002+08:00

Seems like i made it into a tradition to go for ice-skating after each semester's final exam.
But for this time, wasn't really enjoyable compared to Semester 1's.
Less people we know, only me and my friend.
and i fell twice.

But still, i enjoyed the time there.
:D

till then,
salamualaykum

housemates :)

2011-06-05T17:25:00.002+08:00

salamualaykum and hello, it's me :)

today, i'm going to introduce you to my dear housemates.

yooshhh!
*my roomie is looking from behind*

who is this person? she is Pathma, my one and only roomate.

she is the craziest one among us all. XD

secondly, we have Yenqi, our blury diligent Princess Snow White.

I spend most of the weekend with her because both of us are not from Selangor,

so we can't go back home unlike the other two.

But still, we always have our miscellaneous adventures, haha!

Lastly is Kim Kim. She's the jolliest among us, i guess.

She has a pet 'dog' named Chocolato which has been a recurrent victim of my abusive character. LOL

One more thing, she's a big fan of Rain, a really big fan.

our whiteboard :D

Kim Kim and Pathma before our last paper for Sem 2.

They were so excited for taking pictures using this film camera :D

Yenqi testing out the camera. Look at her eye brow! >.<

Kim Kim enthusiastically taking picture of her beloved Chocolato

great focus, Kim Kim! :D

One thing that we have in common is,

we are all the last siblings in our family.

But still, we didn't act like a spoiled brat at all.

Can't wait to see them again next semester.

I couldn't believe that we could get through with two semester of Ausmat together.

Alhamdulillah, we all respect and accept each other despite of our culture and religion.

We do have secrets that only four of us would know

and all the funny, happy and sad moments we shared together.

Subhanallah, it's truly amazing that during this time, the critical time of us transitioning from schooling environment to college life, never once we had a big argument among us.

I'm so happy to have them as my very first housemates and roomates.

Truly, i love you guys, Pathma, Kim Kim and Yenqi.

Till then,

salamualaykum.

re-embracing

2011-06-02T22:49:00.000+08:00

i'm in a very much unwell state of soul and mind.
i've been losing my self-confidence in my own productivity.
being in a different environment really gives a big impact on how i think and acts.

compared to my secondary school years where i spent the whole time at home after school time,
i could finish up my works, enjoying crafting and photographing and ultimately, reading.
however, ever since i entered college and i have to leave my home,
i could be extremely productive in the hostel but not at home anymore.
i felt that i can only do work if only i'm in the hostel.
surely, this is not a good thing because i have tonnes of assignments to be done and of course, several books that i badly want to read.
i kept on blaming my Internet addiction but it is actually because my lack of self control.

and again,
self control of me being at home and in hostel would be different,
readjusting to environment and my own self control made me all confused, wasting my time and give me nothing but feeling guilty to myself.
gaahhh!

as the current solution,
i'm practicing what i used to do back in secondary school years.
i hope i could regain back my productivity rate as i had before
so that i could finish up my assignments and focusing on my holiday projects that i have yet to start.
*fabrics are already screaming for me to sew them >.<*

gah,
i hate procrastinating.
goodbye Mr. P, i'm leaving you alone and don't you ever come to me again.

till then,
salamualaykum.

not so good

2011-06-02T20:14:00.001+08:00

i don't know

maybe it's just being greedy
and impatience

why do i have to go through this
when i could just grasp the real thing if i would take the other

why?

but then,
this one would be better
it's just that i have to sacrifice something for awhile
after i succeed in it
it would be more heavenly than the other.

so be patient.
SACRIFICE IT!

the secret garden

2011-06-02T04:37:00.000+08:00

just finished watching this movie.

such a beautiful movie.

somehow, i hate the fact that i couldn't read the whole book before watching the movie first.

the last time i read it was.....during primary school.

but that was so long ago.

but still,

i got a bucketful of inspiration from it.

alhamdulillah

for the love of children's classic :D

because i got you and you got me

2011-06-01T14:08:00.001+08:00

Dead Poets' Society

2011-06-01T10:06:00.002+08:00

the garden adventure [part XII]

2011-06-01T01:16:00.003+08:00

BTN camp

2011-05-31T22:20:00.000+08:00

option

2011-05-31T21:07:00.001+08:00

to show my life

or

to live my life

it has been almost 6 years and i do not think i would like the waste anymore time of my life
6 years is already too much

weird call

2011-05-31T15:38:00.000+08:00

imagine
one peaceful evening
you're enjoying yourself indulging in the Internet

suddenly,
there's a call on your phone
the number was
888888888888

the only thing that crossed your mind was
''Indonesian spammer? phisher? no, a scam! or maybe, santau!''

but still,
you want to answer the call.

*silence*
''hello?''
''hello...''
''is this adzwin?''
''yes i am''

*was that the australian acccent that i just heard?*

''i'm from university of sydney, are you convenient right now?''

*phew*
it really scared me though.

future plan

2011-05-30T15:55:00.000+08:00

salamualaykum~
hello people! *waves hands*

sooooo, alhamdulillah.
somehow, i'm getting back my jolly yay-ish mood that has been disappearing from me before.

alhamdulillah again,
i'm refreshed!
i have a new plan for my life.
it's not that i keep on constructing a new one,
but it's more of updating what can be added in the list.

before this,
i was not really sure of which part of agricultural science that i want to learn,
what i should focus on and on what way does it applies to my own life as my passion.
well, i do not want to make my future profession as just a profession
i want to enjoy it as well.

so,
like how my dad suggested,
i should focus on horticulture.
horticulture is much more of a smaller scale compared to agriculture.
i guess perhaps, it can be more focused on community rather than industry.
in addition to that, i could venture in landscaping design. yay!
just thinking of it is amazing,
i learned landscaping design back in secondary school before and we did few activities like
planning a landscape, sketching the plan and learning how to build a terrarium.
what else do i love other than making sketches? *that passion has been revived*

other than that, there are still more opportunities that are coming along with the future living demands and lifestyles.
i mean, there are a lot things to learn and try and to apply.
and on top of it, it can be easily connected and applied with my passion.

therefore, i would focus on horticulture.
well, that's the point actually. teehee.

till then,

salamualaykum~!

growing up

2011-05-30T14:43:00.001+08:00

growing up is actually a process of maturing our souls.
that is what i think.

though our body get's old, our souls do not.
our souls are nurtured with all the values that we would need
and that is done continuously
it would never stop as we learn new things everyday
as long as we are still breathing
as long as we are permitted to be so
by Him.

as for our souls.
we are maturing by
accepting the presence of others
as the existence of others are obviously undeniable
and we can not just shut them out of our lives
though we may choose of whom we want to accept
but the key point of this whole thing is
how we want to accept their weaknesses as those are the main reason why we reject them

it should be known that
though whatever things that we do to please other people
there will always be people who could not accept us
simply said, we are basically undergoing the very same experience
we want each other, though we do not want each other

from there, we could know that
people change
and we change
and nothing is meant to be permanent
because the change itself is constant

from the change,
we would either get benefit or damage
those two are always together
coming to us hand in hand
confusing us on which to choose
thus making us hard to decide on what we want to do

therefore,
being attached to something and someone
is like bounding ourself to something that we are not sure of
we do not know of when it will go or how far we can put our trust in it
because everything is changing
and the change cause things to happen beyond our control

however,
there is another important thing
for things to change, it must have the changer
things would not happen without a cause
and that for such a great change must has been controlled by someone great
and who can be greater than the One and Only?

as conclusion,
instead of attaching ourselves anyone or anything,
consider Him as the only option
for Him is the Greatest

p/s : alhamdulillah, i got a better insights after reading Falsafah Ketuhanan by Prof. Dr. Hamka. :)

obviously, we are one of them

2011-05-29T08:29:00.000+08:00

learning

2011-05-20T11:52:00.000+08:00

yup, i'm learning it :D

where?

2011-05-19T22:20:00.001+08:00

these past few months

there are too much of silent emotional confessions dominating this blog
i mean, yeah
huuurrrmmmm

where did all my ''yay!'' went to?

well well well,
i guess, it's time for balancing back my emotion.
yooshh!

toss it away

2011-05-19T01:11:00.001+08:00

verily
it's true

that

the good can never be together with the evils
in any particular way
once the good is stained
there all it goes wasted

so choose
which one
to be tossed away

you know what you want
and you know what you want to be
and you know how you want to shape yourself
and you know that the time nor the chance are waiting for you

so choose

it's bonsai!

2011-05-18T09:25:00.001+08:00

holiday

2011-05-17T09:07:00.000+08:00

YAAYYY!!! IT'S HOLIDAAAYYY!!

but beware, it will make you sway
filled with things that push you away
from the very righteous way
in such an unpredictable way
though you might thought that you've been productive throughout the day
but please define ''productive'' in terms of holiday
is it watching movies all the way?
if that is your holiday
it's better to keep it away
and take a chance to change to a new holiday

easy?

2011-05-06T16:28:00.001+08:00

In the name of God, most Gracious, most Merciful.

seriously, nothing is easy
and if you find something to be easy, then it's a lie.

that's what i guess for this moment.

because everything that we do
every little thing
it won't reach to Him that easily

another thing is
things that are too easy to be obtained are not that worthy at all.

that's my thought.
i'm not sure about the others.

then what should i do now?

there's too much parts of me need to be improved
again and again
upon mistakes and mistakes
upon weakness and weakness
being perfect is not the main intention
it's just that
i just want to be better than i were before
better and better
better and better

but still
my perception of better is still bad compared to others
gaah!

no comparison
no comparison
don't compare yourself with others!
then, on what standard should achieve?

i know the answer.
it's just me who does not work hard enough to attain it.

i hate my current self

study leave

2011-05-06T03:26:00.001+08:00

to be watched!

2011-05-04T19:15:00.001+08:00

major YAY!

2011-05-03T19:57:00.001+08:00

alhamdulillah~

imagine that you are provided with halal food, the most necessary thing that is quite scarce in foreign countries
and it's provided on campus!
wouldn't that be totally wonderful?
and you would get an individual room if you live on campus
but still, it's a unisex home-styled house.
so maybe, off-campus?

but still
but still
but still
Charles-Sturt Uni is one of my top three!

p/s: there's a weekly sales for halal meat in University of New England, they even has a mosque.
p/s/s: like what Mdm. Chua (IDP representative), it's all depends on your ability to be independent in such a foreign environment surrounded with foreign people
p/s/s: the top one is still Tassy, but...we'll see :D

10 minutes

2011-05-02T20:49:00.006+08:00

an other cup

2011-05-01T23:04:00.001+08:00

what could be better than having all your inner thoughts to be delivered in such beautiful swaying feelings
yet in the end they all brought you in the remembrance of him

alhamdulillah
purchased this album today.
and i think i should have bought the newer album ''Roadsinger'' too but to no avail
*strict budget!*

but still,
alhamdulillah again,
i hope that will all the new resources that i i could get today,
may my journey in understanding Him would be eased in any other way

therefore i need to empty out my cup first,
to let the new ones to be poured in
insyaAllah

relief

2011-04-26T23:39:00.000+08:00

yes or not
the answer still depends on the situation
but still
would not this show how much indecisive someone is
if one were to go on with that kind of decision-making technique

nonetheless
the decision has been made
further steps for future plan in overtaking the consequences are on the making
and let's see how i could go with it

okay.
that's wrong
there is no more room for sightseeing anymore
stick on it
and subdue it to the utmost level that is available

insyaAllah

entrapped

2011-04-25T20:12:00.002+08:00

entrapped
you have no where to turn
that's the current situation
and it will end in a split second
only after the decision has been made

that is why
you are still trapped in that confusion
the confusion of whether it should be because of you
or it should be because of your desire
or perhaps, the thing that you desire

call it ego, or aggressive, or even self-centered
you can't just help yourself from not wanting it
your long-awaited desire is there in front of you
for you to grab it, embrace it, and call it yours
incorporate with it, be one with it, subdue it
and you know you will be the one that what you want to be by just holding it

but
on the other side of the line
something is holding
with the strong root and the strong hold
it would not let go of you
though you can actually release yourself from it
effortlessly
but it would do nothing but to ruin that something
ruin that something that has been hold dear for you

but still
you have to do it
you already know that your deserve it
you know that with it, you can do better
with it, you can make things happen
with it, you can be the one
the one of your very own great expectation

hurry up
the clock is ticking
you would not want to miss anything more than what you have already missed

hurry up
decide
make a decision

it would be the turning point of your life
or you might just want to keep your life with the non-existence of inflexion
and you would be left with your very own gradual growth
that is the worst case scenario you would ever thought of

so
what would it be?

the colorful life of azuwing

it's waiting!

weird...

because today is a very nice day

every girl should have this

of maths

dear my girls

it's tiring

prayer

*giggles*

kill it

...

resistance

hello, Mr. T!

a self reminder

of bonding hearts

of heart

playlist

it's a loss if you haven't even start yours

the alchemy of happiness

stuck within transition

being pushed

Big Society

of attaining self independency and dreams

this morning

the fight

it was spaghetti for dinner ♥

and so we will be

what will i do

a new kickstart

of uncertainty and dissatisfaction

Man Jadda Wa Jadda

of farewell

Ausmat 22 & 23 Grand Dinner

of being independent

it's alive!

selfishness

Final Preparation!

Dear You

of dreams

to the cutest bunny in my world

smile!

hermm

of love

improving skills

others

negeri 5 menara

time

trials

Culpeper's Book of Birth

motivation injection

Eid Mubarak greetings

motivation injection

of limitation

pre-Eid

at home

of notebooks

the challenge

heart reservation

of random heartbreak

the gardener

beware of what you wish

as the change leads the road

From 'I' to 'we'

First week

legal selfishness

the revenue-collector

Taman Kelahiran Shah Alam

water-color paintings

it's good to be home :)

Inspiration: Dawn Tan

ice-skating ♥

housemates :)

re-embracing

not so good

the secret garden

because i got you and you got me

Dead Poets' Society

the garden adventure [part XII]

BTN camp

giggles